I have done it two times in a row now.And i must find a reason behind it.
I am good with thoughts.With words.In my head.How i observe them form..in a linear dynamic flow they appear from some unknown corners of my consciousness,and they materialize before me,invisible packets of ideas.And they flow,flow..getting more and more beautiful,more and more meaningful..profound..till they erupt in an explosion of color.Bliss.
I find myself confused if i am being whispered by a higher intelligence.Or is it another version of me.And what i wonder most of all is:Where does it all vanish as a new day begins?Why is it so difficult to keep oneself constantly inspired?
I again found myself alone when i needed my mind to function.Not that it didnt.But with jitters.And at all the wrong places.I told myself instantly:It happened becasue there was a reason behind it.Allah wants me to learn more.He isnt rewarding me with satisfaction because he thinks i ma not ready.The words i uttered ..am capable of much better,i have known much better versions of the answers i gave..and yet..i didnt,when it mattered the most.It cant be without a reason.
I see my life gradually turning into a battleground.I am changing and there is a very strong resistance.I am witnessing a daily clash between truth and falsehood in me.Today,i saw it wide open.From the eyes of a large group of people who were listening to me.I,awkward,ineloquent..spoke my heart out and realized,i dont believe myself in the first place.Not fully.
I was asked to describe myself.
My mind started toying with several ways accessible to it.Should it be wit dominating?Is my wit appreciable by others?Should plain speak do?I have too interesting a life to be summed up in a minute.BUt i am here with a purpose,aint i?Its supposed to be a game.Where you have to show you have it in you to make it as a good businessman. Do i have it in me?Oh yes,i do.But ofcourse, certain things have left an indelible mark on me.Certain beliefs of mine lay shattered now.HOw do i speak of my new found way of life,and tell them i mean to keep it this way?
Basically..i found myself struggling with the idea of honesty.Is that an escape?Can it be an easy way out?Its easy to be honest.Absolutely easy.Its like putting your arms down and taking a deep breath.There you are.YO wanna give up speaking lies,pretending.Its so easy.
Is that why its so underrated?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
La Vita E Bella
Life's lately been very engaging.The monotonous continuity has given way to novelty.And they have mostly been beautiful.
A few months back,i was so confined to myself,and my small world,and my petty worries.I had my window to the world with me..movies,novels,a small number of friends..and suddenly,i found my metaphorical window turn breathtakingly real.The world stopped being confined to a 15" screen and i witnessed it for what it is:A panorama of reality that can not really be captured by any lens,no matter how sophisticated.
I found the tightly closed circle of my friends expanding suddenly.That there were all around these gems i simply couldnt let go of without making them permanent part of my life.And i havent regretted the decision one bit.
Mostly,i have seen my belief in the goodness of people,the goodness of this world,grow manifold.Its such an amazingly beautiful feeling to know there are people who trust.Without asking questions.People,who care.Without ever having seen you.I feel blessed.
A few months back,i was so confined to myself,and my small world,and my petty worries.I had my window to the world with me..movies,novels,a small number of friends..and suddenly,i found my metaphorical window turn breathtakingly real.The world stopped being confined to a 15" screen and i witnessed it for what it is:A panorama of reality that can not really be captured by any lens,no matter how sophisticated.
I found the tightly closed circle of my friends expanding suddenly.That there were all around these gems i simply couldnt let go of without making them permanent part of my life.And i havent regretted the decision one bit.
Mostly,i have seen my belief in the goodness of people,the goodness of this world,grow manifold.Its such an amazingly beautiful feeling to know there are people who trust.Without asking questions.People,who care.Without ever having seen you.I feel blessed.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Peripheral Thoughts.
Ok.I must admit it feels very uncomfortable to start posting again.There are two reasons for this.
1)I feel a huge sense of guilt at not living upto the promise i made to myself about writing my experience of my religion and the culture i have grown up in.I felt intimidated by the task.Infact,come to think of it,i get intimidated way too often by too many things.At those times i get this impression of my being a small elf and the person/thing i am intimidated by to be a giant towering above me.And i squirm as they squirm in early cartoons.And i make a pleading kind of face.And when the visual fades off my head,i am no longer strong enough to fight back and stand my ground.so every time i wanted to come back and write in my blog,i saw a giant looming over me,and i felt like running.And apparently thats what i did.
2)I am a very irregular person.Add to that the fact,that i am limited in my inagination too.I dont have mighty fantastic things to say.And no matter how much i ignore the fact,at the back of y head,i always have this desire that people would stumble upon my blog.Read it.Be happy reading my words,as i am when i read blogs of other people i stumble upon.I feel so inspired by their creativity.And it often worries me that no one would be inspired by my creativity,for i know for sure i have very little of it.
Anyways,now that i have confessed my guilts,i feel lighter and ready to write a lot many things that have been going on in my head.
I must also,before beginning,admit that i am consciously allowing myself to copy Mark Haddon's style of narration.Rather the narration he used in The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night Time.
Now i said i am consciously allowing myself.Because the words are coming like that quite unintentiopnally.Or rather from the Sub-Conscious.Only i am allowing myself to write that way for i feel there's nothing wrong with aping someone's style.And then,i am not aping.I am naturally feeling inclined to write that way.Its simple,without unnecessary frills and i like it this way.And anyways,i am not a professional writer and i wont be sued by Mark Haddon.
I have a highly impressionable mind actually.I tend to adopt things so deep inside my mind that it starts affecting my way of living.It has its advantages and disadvantages.The advantages are quite obvious.When i read a very creatively written book,i end up adopting that style of writing myself.And thus,i appreciate the inner meaning of the book more.For i feel like the writer myself.Often there are some very impressionable character in books and movies who end up enering my subconscios.And i start behaving like them.Earlier i wasnt aware of it.But one day i read an interview (i dont remember whose) where the person described a particular school of acting(which i distinctly remembered just before trying to remember it ryt now..a russian name..Stalinsly?NO..for if it qwould have been stalinsky,it would have made a ping in my mind,but it didnt.Slavinsky??Well..i could have google it,but my net is very very slow.And i hate bringing a pause to my thoughts.I wonder if thinking continuoosly is called having a Stream of Consciousness.And now,i have gotten very further away from my main topic.
So this style of acting involves living the character for a few days or weeks to 'get in the skin' of the character.Now that gave me immense encouragement.for now when i get a strong impression in my mind of a character,i become aware of it.And i feel myself to be an actor living 'in the skin' of the character.And it gives me something very creative to do,and makes me very happy.(ofcourse,if its a jolly character,like Jeeves,or Tyler Durden or Al-Pacino from Scent of A Woman.) But even when it makes me feel sad,i enjoy the process of living another person's life for myself.
Presently i find myself thinking like Christopher does.Simple chunks of thoughts,coherently linked together.But i cant make myself feel absolutely like him,for he was Autistic and he underwent too much pain.Which i can go through but it would alarm people around me far too much.And i definitely dont want that.That is also a reason why i never actualy want to become an actor,for i am too self-conscious.I cant take people staring at me.Or doing anything that will bring me to their notice.Anything weird i mean.Though now that i am grown up and an Adult,i dont feel as self-conscious as i used to in my boyhood days.
Having said all the 'peripheral' thoughts of my mind,now i would like to devote myself to discuss the Central thought.But then,that would make it a very long blog.And though nobody reads it,if ever someone does,he/she would be too tired.So i think i would put that in my next entry.
1)I feel a huge sense of guilt at not living upto the promise i made to myself about writing my experience of my religion and the culture i have grown up in.I felt intimidated by the task.Infact,come to think of it,i get intimidated way too often by too many things.At those times i get this impression of my being a small elf and the person/thing i am intimidated by to be a giant towering above me.And i squirm as they squirm in early cartoons.And i make a pleading kind of face.And when the visual fades off my head,i am no longer strong enough to fight back and stand my ground.so every time i wanted to come back and write in my blog,i saw a giant looming over me,and i felt like running.And apparently thats what i did.
2)I am a very irregular person.Add to that the fact,that i am limited in my inagination too.I dont have mighty fantastic things to say.And no matter how much i ignore the fact,at the back of y head,i always have this desire that people would stumble upon my blog.Read it.Be happy reading my words,as i am when i read blogs of other people i stumble upon.I feel so inspired by their creativity.And it often worries me that no one would be inspired by my creativity,for i know for sure i have very little of it.
Anyways,now that i have confessed my guilts,i feel lighter and ready to write a lot many things that have been going on in my head.
I must also,before beginning,admit that i am consciously allowing myself to copy Mark Haddon's style of narration.Rather the narration he used in The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night Time.
Now i said i am consciously allowing myself.Because the words are coming like that quite unintentiopnally.Or rather from the Sub-Conscious.Only i am allowing myself to write that way for i feel there's nothing wrong with aping someone's style.And then,i am not aping.I am naturally feeling inclined to write that way.Its simple,without unnecessary frills and i like it this way.And anyways,i am not a professional writer and i wont be sued by Mark Haddon.
I have a highly impressionable mind actually.I tend to adopt things so deep inside my mind that it starts affecting my way of living.It has its advantages and disadvantages.The advantages are quite obvious.When i read a very creatively written book,i end up adopting that style of writing myself.And thus,i appreciate the inner meaning of the book more.For i feel like the writer myself.Often there are some very impressionable character in books and movies who end up enering my subconscios.And i start behaving like them.Earlier i wasnt aware of it.But one day i read an interview (i dont remember whose) where the person described a particular school of acting(which i distinctly remembered just before trying to remember it ryt now..a russian name..Stalinsly?NO..for if it qwould have been stalinsky,it would have made a ping in my mind,but it didnt.Slavinsky??Well..i could have google it,but my net is very very slow.And i hate bringing a pause to my thoughts.I wonder if thinking continuoosly is called having a Stream of Consciousness.And now,i have gotten very further away from my main topic.
So this style of acting involves living the character for a few days or weeks to 'get in the skin' of the character.Now that gave me immense encouragement.for now when i get a strong impression in my mind of a character,i become aware of it.And i feel myself to be an actor living 'in the skin' of the character.And it gives me something very creative to do,and makes me very happy.(ofcourse,if its a jolly character,like Jeeves,or Tyler Durden or Al-Pacino from Scent of A Woman.) But even when it makes me feel sad,i enjoy the process of living another person's life for myself.
Presently i find myself thinking like Christopher does.Simple chunks of thoughts,coherently linked together.But i cant make myself feel absolutely like him,for he was Autistic and he underwent too much pain.Which i can go through but it would alarm people around me far too much.And i definitely dont want that.That is also a reason why i never actualy want to become an actor,for i am too self-conscious.I cant take people staring at me.Or doing anything that will bring me to their notice.Anything weird i mean.Though now that i am grown up and an Adult,i dont feel as self-conscious as i used to in my boyhood days.
Having said all the 'peripheral' thoughts of my mind,now i would like to devote myself to discuss the Central thought.But then,that would make it a very long blog.And though nobody reads it,if ever someone does,he/she would be too tired.So i think i would put that in my next entry.
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