Sometimes,its a fuzzy feeling i get while looking at myself in the mirror.(Coming to write about such stuff,i realize what a freak i must appear to a observer reading me!!!thank god its just me..we are all our own babies,aren't we)
A feeling of alienation from the current reality.A sudden awareness of my absurdity..why i have to be this way or sound this way.Infact,i feel like meeting a stranger and being told its me.
The very act of trying to get to terms with the fact of my being 'me' leaves my head reeling.I become conscious of my voice..my limbs,my skin.Somehow,i don't seem to believe all of this is me.The very reality of things appear to hard to swallow...
I wont say these are absolutely unpleasant times as such.They are a welcome break at times.And ofcourse,they are rare..
Have noticed they are of two types though..The pleasant ones..when i feel happy to have landed up in my skin.I like the way i look (definitely not all the time) and think(most definitely not most of the times).I see myself as this outsider,and an inner me telling me how much i can make of myself.What lofty heights i can attain!
The other,the yang to the yin,is predictably depressing.Its my facing my weaknesses..my failures.I feel so strongly i could disown myself.Get out of this hideous mess i have been locked in.
Its rather funny how my inner self is completely convinced of my genius.And how vitriolic it gets when i try to tell him:"Dude,don't overdo it man!"
It grows all grumpy.It will sulk and wont talk to me.Or it will think esoteric thoughts that would go straight past my head(and naturally by its own dignified head as well,the pretentious b@#$*&..its MY head afterall!)
I remember reading The Prince by that exotically-named French author once.(Some Saint-de-exupery..or some such dashy name..i can well google it,but does it really matter?!)Now..to be honest,i found the book pretty boring.It had its fun part..all the fascinating journeys and the elephant-in-the-hat funda..but surely,the fellow overdid it.And it was written just too plainly.Or maybe not.I was in Bhubaneshwar for the first time.And was all alone in a rather depressing flat the whole day,with merely a laptop and a neat collection of DVD's with me.At the moment,sure,its a delightful prospect,i having become a genuine film-fanatic and evrything..But back in those days,i hadnt had my brush with cinema.
I vividly remember,my getting very tired with all the reading(though the book is pretty thin,it proved that day to be remarkably heavy to go through)and deciding to keep it down.It wasn't making clear sense to me actually..there were some high-brow stuff running beneath the kiddish travels and talks..and i wasnt really getting any real hold of the same.Now..this Blue-Blooded other me..the pseudo-intellectual got all offended!!So it wouldn't let me watch a movie in peace,or if i would sit by the balcony thinking nothing,it would creep up in the guise of a harmless thought and then torment me:until i picked up the book again and finished it to the last!
Its the same with Movies at the moment.Miss a line,miss a little part of it,And he would go all restless.So its always from the opening credits,to the end.Not a scene missed or skipped.Not so for the dull ones too.
Well..that paints a pretty obsessive picture of me,doesnt it??
But yknw wht..its not THAT bad.I am conscious of it all,so no split personality issue.And what if there is?For all i know,it would be so much fun!
I feel afraid admitting this even to myself,but i have an actor in me.I love being so many other people than who i am.I find it exasperating to be just me day in and day out.Adds a little spice being someone new time to time.And its mostly natural.Yeah..the movie influences are a different story altogether.Being Michael Corleone was a great kick!Never knew i was capable of carrying it off!Then..I have been Renton.Tyler Durden.Capt.Jack Sparrow(who hasnt!)..And there are characters whose names i have forgotten,but not the peronalities..by the simple reason of having lived them!Jack Nicholson's in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.Matt Damon's In Good Will Hunting.And Russell Crowe as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind.Come to think of it,flawed,mentally challenged characters leave the greatest impact in me.I tend to adopt their unique mannerisms..their way of walking,talking..reacting.M sure i have missed many here.
And am doing so willingly for i have suddenly rememberd how people,friends,general people i have a casual talk with,leave a deep impression on me.Infact,spending enough time with someone even a bit off the usual tendencies leaves me in a state of induced personality lap.(wow..thats a term i seem to have invented jlt!)
To sum it up (for i must..this can surely go on forever^infinity)
I love being me.I hate being me.But never for a moment i stop being me.
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