Dreaming As I Blog,Blogging As I Dream.

I feel an urge to write.

Having freed myself from the mightiest hindrance of them all;the expectation to write something worthwhile and praiseworthy;i feel free as a reindeer in an empty forest..a bird floating in the sky..its so liberating,unburdening yourself from all those crazy expectation you develop of yourself in those unconscious brush with greatness you have in those great books,quality movies,amazing people you at times bump into.Why,i can be downright silly for all i care.By trying not to be,aint i actually sillier?

I have gotten rid of the other major block too:A plot,a topic or a theme to write on.Well,i really never need a reason to write!I write when i feel like.No plot?All the better.

I am in a mood to celebrate my limitations.My mediocrity.Why do i expect greatness when what i have been shown again and again is this life..where i happen to be a regular guy with regular strengths and the usual weaknesses.I have a charming life as well,if only i unburden it from all the mighty dreams i have been placing one atop another upon myself.Why not be just another Jack..
Escape?Is it?From what?Blind expectations,right?Is it that bad?Not every soul is lit with the immortal flame.Or if it is,it doesnt really chose to manifest itself in all of them.Or we would have had an unbearably hot world.Its not.Its a calm place.W have our divisons.We have those who go up and deliver a soul-stirring speech.And we have the others whose souls are stirred.Both are essential.Thats how the world is balanced..A very very small majority of those who recieve,and an abundance of those who clap.It took me quite sometime to discover..clapping has its own pleasures.And poisoning my life at the prospects of future anonymity is wasting what little i do have.Positive,sickeningly sweet thoughts.But sweetness lasts.The Metal n The Grunge ..D rebellion and d Bohemian way..true,they are cool..they are different,so they gotta be cool.Have pizza once a month and it would appear cooked in heaven.Have it everday and you would be sick of the same heavenly taste.Thats it.The answers are all there before me.Thoughts are often futile,i am well aware of that.They have a tendency of going round in circles and leaving you where you started.Even behind where you started at times.But what i think at the moment makes me feel healthy.It gives me hope.And it makes me cheerful.

Come to think of it the whole human race,with their discoveries and there advancement,is all futile.We spend a couple of century building a spaceship that can reach the moon whereas for light,its merely a sneeze to do so.How futile it all is.The marvelous discoveries that have made life so much more comfortable are futile when one looks from the perspective that life itself hardly makes much sense.My act of writing this,thinking about it..is it not futile?

But amidst this sea of futility,we are alive.We have our joys and our sorrows.Our mundane and eventful days.Our births,loves and deaths.Amidst this very futility is meaning.Life.

Coming back to my life.My dreams.

I had this idea as i was writing my previous blog entry.I have dreamt while sitting,walking,eating,studying(ah...)..why not dreaming as i type an entry on my blog?Why not record it in printed words what normally comes as non-physical thoughts and visions?Making d spiritual physical..quite a motivation!


I dream of perfection mostly.I have a mental idea of who i would like to be..and i have this narcissistic tendency to see myself most of the time,living as i would ideally want me to.

One of my major dreams is seeing myself attain the utmost good health.Not quite unrealistic this particular dream though.I am young,its the peak of my youth.I aint gonna be any more youthful again!I see myself attaining the physique of one of those mythological gods of Greece..of Atlas,or Achilles.David.I see myself like that,looking absolutely graceful..i feel my health and it gives me a wonderful sense of well being..An inner strength to take on the mightiest hurdles.The wild streak in me comes alive with these thoughts too..The stares i would get,the hearts i would win solely through my smouldering good looks!Good looking guys have a blast..i quite know that.A walk on the street is all they need to get that ego-boost.And health is an undeniable accessory to good looks.I feel happy having been born with a decent ..well..frame?I look alryt..and there are tempting possibilities of what i can make myself with proper grooming.

With all that talk,,one would get the impression i might be a thing to behold.Its absolutely otherwise.Give o take a few pics of mine,i loathe the way i look in most others.And the loathing reached higher level when i realise how i could have made it d eact opposite by a little effort.

Nonetheless..moving to my other major mental preoccupations.My future.

My dreams in this category have undergone a sea of change evr since i entered university.Earlier i would dream of being this bigshot scientist with a flair for scientific investigations.And an amateur writer at the same time.I had this nice wholesome dream almost all my school life.And then i entered university.And it all went for a toss!

Not that i entered the wrong department.Pharmaceutical Technology.The very place you can naturaly mould yourself into a absent minded chemist..a drug designer..designing molecules that save life.Lofty words!But what a waste.What a sheer waste.I have a thousand blames.My teachers in the university are at d end of most of them.They have been the most demotivating people i ever encountered.Rather than inspiring,they ended up sucking my spirit of enquiry,of discovery.But i am not to be spared as well..i could very well have been my own motivation.But i swayed.I did.And hence..a litter of unfinished dreams sorround me.

Looking at it positively,its mighty probable i never had the required aptitude..the patience!Tht surely makes me feel better about myself!And the..there still is hope.Not a scientist,true..but all's not lost.I can still be a writer.A mediocre,little known one,but a writer!what pride the name carries!

And anyways..its never too late.But really..can i still be a scientist?I have a plan..where i end up learning the worthwhile things and keeping them in my head forever..but i have more or less,given up my dreams of pursuing proper science any further.Have had an unsatisfactory university life when it comes to academics.True,my intentions were totally different.But life has shown me the unexpected.I protest,but does that really change anything?

I have set my dreamy eyes on entering the world of Management now.Its as much backed by passion as by need though.I dont have too many other options.And my other,yet undisclosed dreams,require me to earn a decent living.However,in management,i intend to do what i coudn't with the science of Pharmacy.I would offer it my complete devotion.This is dreamland,mind you.I am not sure of the reality..but i am sure that only the dreams materialize,like my thought here are materializing into words.I would most probably do a Ph.D once i complete my MBA..partly because it will enable me to pursue my passion for teaching as a profession.And partly because i want to attain a respectable stature in life.I dont know if the world of Business..with its cut-throat competition and sometimes,brutal acts of immorality would be the right one for me.I am not naturally very active.I hate this,but as of yet,this is what the truth has been.I read once maybe in Anne of The Green Gables or some such story..where the protagonist,who's a kid,hates being in bed for too long.And with the first ray of sunlight,is off to her mischiefs .I ..umm..havent really been like that.i love,absolutely love sleeping.Most of my marijuana,i get there!I wonder how effective thus i would be in the corporate world..though my creative take on things would sure make some difference..yet,as for now,the thought of having a peaceful,even paced existence appeals to me.Ofcourse,i would compensate my escaping the corporate pressures by being a hyperactive teacher.And a dedicated social worker.And i would have my evening of black coffee and half-baked plots,ofcourse!

I have about 3 months in my hand to realise his particular dream though.And i am ill-prepared.I remember in the final year of my schooldays,my similar experience about trying to make it through a reputed engineering college.It didnt really materialize,and i had the satisfaction of blaming it on my lone-fighter state.But thats more or less a lame excuse.Professional coaching doesnt really give you a potion of brilliance.you do it with your own hardwork.U walk that extra mile.You take those extra two push-ups.I did my share too.But never the extra push ups.or even it there were some,they were few and too far between.This time though,i want to make it different.I get this image of Tyler Durden in my mind..being beaten to a pulp,but with spirit unwavered.I want to be that sure of myself.That desperate.That confident.That mad.


I guess i would rather pass on the rest to my next post now.My fingers ache.So would my eye if i would someday read this!