Making Sense Of Things...

I see that 10 years from now,i would be very different from who i am at the moment..just as a decade ago i was not quite what i am at d moment.Funny how we have just a handful of decades to play around with..and all of them uncertain.

I was thus thinking..when it came to me that i would be so different in the future..i would hardly know me,my present life.if not that,then surely my present way of thinking,my present struggles..at d moment i have such a faint memory of the battle i used to wage every month with my maths paper in school..defeat,continuous and humiliating..do i feel the humiliation now?Not quite.Do i remember the grit with which i would fight though..the lone warrior?Those fights made me who i am today..they all contribute,the small n insignificant feelings..nothing is really in vain.Thinking of them brings back memories..but i am not flooded..they are tiny droplets trickling down,without the emotion they once carried.

So i have decided to note down certain of my beliefs and convictions here,in d warm anonymity of cyberspace.Why i think,or have been of the belief,most of my present youth,that my life is my marijuana..

I have never had weed.But i do know,or atleast i think i know how it must feel like.For thats exactly how i believe life has made me see itself unfold:my view has been the misty eyed view of a trainspotter..i knew it when i saw Ewan Mcgregor as Renton in Trainspotting..Or the in- need-of-weed guy In Requiem For A Dream and a dozen movies of such breed..They have my kinda eyes..they look like me when they take the shot..or i look,or at least feel like them when i get a shot from my life.Its a heady thing.Numbness..a faint realization of reality,though a more solid feeling of the universe hugging me..telling me to let go..fantasies taking solid shape.And all the time..the painful realization that i am being left behind in the race of sober people.Dreamless people.Mechanical people.Real People.

And though i do not really want it to,but its that very feeling that gives me the biggest kick.