Why I Do What I Do.

I get amazed all the time with my own activities,or at times,the lack of them.

Basically,i am not a complete psycho.And i little madness is in everyone,that i have no doubt about.But the 'little' madness,that's in me,is something i really wish to comprehend one of these days.Why do i have to do those crazy things i keep doing?


However,just for the record,before delving into the Why's..let me get to the What's.

The crazy things i am talking about isn't really adrenaline related.Its often quite boring.Like sitting all day before the pc,doing and thinking particularly nothing where i can furiously work on the something fruitful.The fretting over my creative limitations while the very act of doing so is a sheer wastage of my creative energy.I wont study before exams at times..i would let the hours pass by,savouring the minutes,the seconds passing by.Almost relishing their taste.

I would dream..of nice,big noble things..how i would help everyone around me,or how i would be this dedicated scholar..this effective person who's capable of doing it all;with grace and ease.

I wonder why..with my noble intentions,ability to see things as they stand,my position in life which demands immense activity and leadership from me,do i let it all take a backseat as i float in my fantasies..writing my invisible books,making my mental movies,thinking of thinking of a revolutionary new thought.Come to think of it,my thoughts are seldom negative.Infact,most often,they are daringly positive.So why would i not act on them?What makes me not see the absurdity of it?And when i am aware of my absurdity,why dont i act against it?

Throughout my study life,i have seen life giving me a large number of oppurtunites.My repeated failures do not really exhaust the great expectations life has of me i guess!Even as i write this,i have been placed in a place from where i can attain lofty heights.Given my track record,i dont believe i would really utilise it though.

This leaves me in a trauma though.With a feeling of burning hatred towards my own self.I get sick of it..and tired of it.But the whole point is,i have to live with it.And with a new day,i have new hopes.New dreams.Dreams worth fighting the sick sensation with.

I believe,someday,soon enough,i would be what i want to be.With all my limitations and imperfections,i would still reach there.For i have seen enough in life to know its never really too late.Life doesnt hate you back no matter how much you insult it,misuse it.These are times when i feel there's gotta be an entity called God.True,God for some really stupid reasons isnt perfect when he can so easily chose to be.But he isnt depressing enough to be completely despised at the same time.